The Odour of The Phoenix
by Drowned Web
Summary: Something smells here ... wonder what it could be? Perhaps it's the new and exciting Chapter Two of this lovely story.
1. Chapter One: No Cake

Chapter One - No Cake  
  
This isn't going to be a normal year, he told himself. He knew in the back of his head it couldn't possibly be a normal year. Lord Voldemort was back to spread terror amongst witches and wizards, and Harry couldn't do a darn thing to stop him. Although, he knew the year was going to be weird, he couldn't help thinking about the usual things that happen at a Hogwarts school year for him. The usual year had a normal roll-up: first Harry would be really popular because of the last year's events, then he would discover someone was trying to kill him (especially if a house-elf was involved). After which Draco Malfoy would accuse him of being a neurotic-self-centred freak (which of course would catch on like wildfire), then he would become really unpopular because everyone would think he was really full of himself. All the while either he, Ron or Hermione would have argued and wouldn't be talking to each other but would be working with each other to find out who was plotting to murder Harry. They would think it was Professor Snape, which Hagrid would dismiss but imply something weird. Ron and Hermoine would fall unconscious after Harry's murderer-to-be smashed them over the head with a mean spell. Harry would find the dude, discover that it was the least likely person and have a conversation over a cup of tea about why he was trying to do what he was trying to do. After the conversation ends, the wizard would try to kill Harry and in the process, Prof. Dumbledore would walk into the room and arrest the wizard without saying a word to Harry. Later on as Professor McGonnagal becomes an emotional wreck, Dumbledore would explain what happened and they'd share a moment in his office. Harry would be excused from the exams and thus mysteriously pass. Of course after this, Harry would become the most popular thing in the school since sliced tomato puree. Hermione would reveal what she had been secretly doing all year and all would end well. As much as Harry hated his yearly routine, he didn't want it to be what he thought it was going to be. He imagined Dumbledore becoming the emotional wreck whilst Professor McGonnagal trying to hold up the school. He thought of giants hanging about the school because of the alliance Dumbledore was planning. He could also see the ministry of magic trying to close the school down. This would be while Draco Malfoy would be laughing loudly about it. Harry cringed at the thought of Draco's irritatingly high-pitched laugh. But at Pivet Drive, things were far different from the images of the world of magic. Aunt Petunia had discovered letters from a certain Davina "R-r-r- rowley" (as she signed of) in her husband's jacket as she put it into the wash. Aunt Petunia proceeded to ask Uncle Vernon about Ms. Rowley's letter. There was a small earthquake at the Dursley residence as Uncle Vernon yelled about how Aunt Petunia "shouldn't be going through my private things!" Uncle Vernon said he needed some fresh air, left the house and came back two days later. He had obviously calmed down, because he explained to Aunt Petunia that Davina was a secretary at the office who had a small crush on him. Although Harry couldn't possible understand how any woman could have a crush (whether big or small) on Uncle Vernon - let alone marry him - Aunt Petunia forgave him and no one spoke of it. Dudley seemed to be in a pretty good mood what with all the drama in the house. Harry assumed it was because Aunt Petunia had been too embroiled in the action to remember Dudley was still on a diet, and fed him more than usual. On his birthday, Harry wasn't expecting any celebration, or even notice, from the Dursleys, but he was expecting at least a card from Hermione or Ron. He made sure he left his window open in case they sent an owl, although Ron's owl would probably fit through the smallest crevice in the front door. When the day was getting late, Harry sent Hedwig with a message to Ron just to remind him of his birthday and that he was EXPECTING something that day or the next day. Hedwig came back surprisingly fast, clutching a message in her talons. Harry opened the parchment and red the green ink:  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
In order to ensure your safety, we have cast a charm to prevent any magic or magical creatures from crossing the barrier made around your home. Have a happy holiday and a happy birthday.  
  
Sincerely  
  
Deloris Dicey Security Supervisor The Ministry of Magic  
  
P.S. Two suspicious characters, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger, have sent you a cake and a card respectively. The cake is being investigated, and tastes lovely. But Mrs. Weasley hopes you "don't eat too little!"  
  
Perfect, Harry thought to himself, now I'm practically alone. No friends and most importantly, no cake. 


	2. Chapter Two: Kareena the Killer

Chapter Two - Kareena the Killer  
  
The summer holidays were Harry's all time worst. They were boring - well, except for the controversial tiff between his uncle and aunt. No visit to Ron and his family and just as soon as Harry thought up a plan on how to get to Ron his scheme was foiled. It turned out, not only were any magic or magical creatures prevented from crossing the barrier, neither was he. His plan was to leave the house as everyone was having breakfast claiming he "needed to check if the flowers outside needed any watering". He had planned to somehow make it to London (that part he hadn't quite worked out yet) and get to Diagon Alley in order to meet up with Ron and also buy his school supplies. He was sure his plan was working as he closed the door silently. As he was walking down the driveway he was almost jumping for joy as his plan worked step by step. Just one more step, he thought to himself, and then I'm out of the yard! As soon as he took that step he found himself sitting in the kitchen on a very large lumpy chair. He looked around; he noticed there was no one around. He cursed to himself and spat, "Thank you Miss Dicey. Ensuring my safety, huh? More like ensuring my..." he was about to continue ranting when he heard a squeal underneath him. He looked at the table and noticed for the first time a huge plate with a large pile of oily bacon on it. Harry suddenly realised, "I'm sitting on bacon!" He stood up suddenly to see Dudley sitting on what he thought he was sitting on: a chair. Dudley looked as though he had seen a ghost, or perhaps seen Harry suddenly appear out of nowhere to sit on him then mutter about a certain Miss Dicey ensuring his safety. Dudley seemed to have calmed down and to Harry's total horror he managed to ask, "Who is Miss Dicey? And why is she ensuring your safety?" From then on, the Dursley household turned into a one of those old comedy shows on BBC Prime. Everyone seemed ten times happier than they were the week before. After Dudley told his parents that Harry's life was endangered they encouraged Harry to go outside at every single opportunity. "Why don't you go get some fresh air?" Aunt Petunia would say sweetly, trying extremely hard to hide an obvious smirk. Then there was the time Uncle Vernon came home from work one day with a football. "It's about time you learnt how to play football!" he said cheerfully. "I already know how to play football," Harry said darkly. "Yeah," Dudley grunted, "and he sucks at it too." "It's never to late to improve is it?" Aunt Petunia chipped in to Dudley's dismay. "No thank you," Harry said. Uncle Vernon lost his patience, he shoved the football into Harry's hands and almost shouted, "You will go outside I don't care if you kick the football or sit down. But you will go outside and try not to ensure your safety." Only now did Dudley understand what was going on, "Maybe someone will kill you?" Harry decided there was no point in postponing it, it's not like he was going to die anyway. As long as the Ministry of Magic's charm was foolproof, then he was pretty much safe. "Knowing the Ministry of Magic, it probably isn't safe," Harry gulped as he sat on the doorstep. * Harry woke up. He looked around trying to figure out where he was. It was dark and his butt hurt. This meant he was sitting on solid ground and it was nighttime. But then he smelt something, a familiar smell. It was the smell of fresh air, the smell of oak with the smell of damp grass. He was in a forest, and as much as Harry hoped it wouldn't be, he knew in the back of his head that this was the Forbidden Forest. Panic, sheer panic was the only emotion running through Harry's mind. He tried to get up but he couldn't. Heck, he couldn't even move his body. "Mmmmmm," he tried to shout. It seemed he couldn't even open his mouth. "Oh, you're awake," a feminine voice said, "Lumos." Blinded by the light, Harry tried to make out who his captor was. His eyes finally adjusted and he saw a girl. About his age, with just as dark as his hair, dressed in some form of a black dress. The dress was almost knee length with leather looking straps wrapped around her upper torso. Basically, Harry thought, she looks like a miniature Amazon warrior. "Are you scared?" she asked mockingly, "You probably don't know who I am." Harry would have laughed if he could move his jaw. Although he was scared, he couldn't help not feel threatened by a 15-year-old girl in leather who kidnapped him in his sleep then had the audacity to say, "you probably don't know who I am." Without giving Harry the chance to answer, the girl started her tale, "My name is Kareena. I am of the clan of Gredanaia. I was sent to fetch you." Harry was shocked. This was her story; this was what was supposed to calm him down? What a joke. Kareena seemed to take a hint and said, "Do you want to speak?" "Mmmmmm." "Okay," she said and raised her wand and said a spell, "But you won't be able to move your body in case you plan on running." "Why were you sent to fetch me?" Harry asked immediately. "Since the rising of Lord Voldemort," it was the first time Harry had heard any seemingly magical person say Lord Voldemort's name calmly. He almost flinched from the shock. She continued, "My clan, the Gredanaia, have been in a state of terror. I don't know why, but my leader sent me to get you." "What do you want to do? Kill me?" Harry asked slightly amused by the situation. "Well you might as well hurry, I hear Voldemort's probably trying to kill me as well ... for the fourth time. Did you know he's tried to kill me for four years of my life? Every year I get a death threat. Every single year." Kareena looked confused, she looked deeply at Harry then shook her head. "They said Harry Potter was unique, but they never said he was plain weird."  
  
Author's Note: My intentions were good when I wrote the first chapter to this story. I intended it to be hard-core humour, but I found myself delving into the depth of Rowlingecity (what ever that is). Unfortunately that means my story will be judged just like any other Order of The Phoenix wannabe. Just so you know, the third chapter will contain more humour for the junkies.  
  
Also, please visit Voldemort's Bum. Don't worry, I'm not dissing you. I'm just doing a bit of site advertising. Voldemort's Bum is a Harry Potter humour fanfic website. The funny story's only. http://www.geocities.com/vbum 


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